Self-care had never really been on Stephanie Seban’s radar.
Stephanie Seban
Like many of us, she knew self-care was important, but figured she’d have time to focus on it later. She had bills to pay and a teaching career to launch. At 31 years old, Seban had an exciting future ahead.
But her world suddenly turned upside down when she learned she had Stage 4 breast cancer. The news pulverized her, but it also sent her on a quest to overcome the diagnosis. It was on that journey that she learned self-care isn’t about spending money on weekend getaways or fancy spa treatments.
Self-care is about continuously mending the parts of you that feel broken.
“Healing became my full-time job,” says Seban, now 42, who resides in New York and has ties to Boca Raton. “To this day, 11 years later, my number one priority is self-care. Physically, emotionally, spiritually. Everything needs to be in alignment or else you’re off balance.”
And when you’re off balance, you can fall.
“Desperate For Something”
For more than 40 years, Jeani Mead, 66, has practiced mindfulness, the act of simply being aware. She embeds a yoga regime and running into her daily routine, managing to fit both into her busy days spent working as a clinical assistant professor at Florida International University’s College of Nursing and Health Sciences.
Two years ago, Mead began noticing a change in her graduate students. Some gained weight. Others had lost it. She spotted personality changes and sensed that her students were unhappy.
And it worried her.
“I saw eyes that were so desperate for something,” she says.
Her co-worker, Angela Medina, an FIU assistant professor also in the College of Nursing and Health Sciences, noticed the changes as well, immediately remembering when she was a graduate student and the overwhelming stress she felt. Her hair fell out and depression consumed her. She suffered in silence. Medina, now 38, believed that was what was happening to her students as well.
These students, mostly female, were in the speech pathology program. Their class load was intense and many had families and jobs in addition to their commitment to the FIU program.
But just as many other females in today’s world, these young women felt guilty for taking time to care for themselves.
“I think it’s a societal issue,” Medina says. “If you’re taking a break, you’re judged for it. They go through these battles of guilt. I tell them, ‘If you don’t recharge your batteries, you won’t be operating the best you can.’”
Jeani Mead
Recharging your batteries can be different for everyone, but, in Seban’s case, it was something that she didn’t even practice. Back then, she was burning the candle at both ends teaching English during the week and working at a high-end retail store on the weekends to supplement her income. Her days were long and self-care wasn’t a priority, but her heart was full because she loved her life.
One day, she felt a lump in her chest. That discovery led to multiple tests and eventually, a grim prognosis of 36 months to live before doctors believed she would succumb to the cancer.
“That catapulted my biggest self-love healing journey,” Seban says. “It made me take self-care to a whole different level.”
Every single minute since that dreadful day has been about making sure she’s treating her body with love and intent. From what she eats, to how she exercises (yoga and walking), to the time she takes for prayer, meditation and acupuncture. She also began combining Chinese medicine into her western medical care and the combination of everything has literally kept her alive. Seban credits a lot of her success to Dr. George Y.C. Wong in New York, who incorporates Chinese medicine with nutrition and supplements and creates herbal formulas specific to each patient.
Angela Medina
Seban still has cancer, but says her health is stable at the moment and has been for several months. She credits that to her focus on herself.
“Our bodies are always communicating to us, but often times we don’t stop and listen. When we don’t listen, our bodies become ill,” Seban says.
The Mind, Body Connection
At FIU, Mead and Medina formulated a plan to make self-care a mandatory part of the students’ curriculum. They also created the Mindfulness Research Lab at FIU, where faculty and students can study and learn the practice of mindfulness.
In Medina’s class, the students have to commit to some type of self-care for at least five minutes a day.
Self-care can mean different things to different people, Mead says.
Shelly Tygielski, 44, who lived in Lighthouse Point until 2020, is a trauma-mindfulness teacher and the author of “Sit Down to Rise Up.” She used to lead free meditation sessions to crowds on the beaches of Hollywood.
She believes that the term “self-care” has been hijacked by the industrial wellness community and is touted as being things like juicing, bath bombs and spin classes. But it’s not about any of that, she says.
“It’s not so you can be a more beautiful version of yourself and your wrinkles can be gone,” Tygielski says. “You have an obligation to go out in the world and do the work and create a shift to make sure everybody has self-care.”
Mead is doing just that. She offers her students the opportunity for even more self-care by providing mindfulness sessions after intense four-hour class days.
The students who say they don’t have time to stay and take part in it are usually the ones who need it the most, Mead says.
Shelly Tygielski
The overall way she runs the sessions is perhaps something all of us should do — they silence their phones, close their eyes and breathe.
“We work with the whole mind and body connection,” Mead says. “I think that if they just take a kernel, even a breathing technique or two, it can have an impact.”
Tune Out Social Media
While doctors, parents and even the media remind us how important self-care is, many women still find themselves focusing on others first.
If they’re a parent, it’s often called mom guilt, and it’s something that Christina Nicholson, 38, of Wellington is trying to combat. Nicholson is a former television anchor, successful blogger, business owner and mom of three and she can wholeheartedly say that she has never felt an ounce of mom guilt.
Still, she knows plenty of women who have.
This inspires her to use her blog (christinaallday.com) as a tool to encourage women to take time for themselves.
She said social media is partly to blame for the lack of self-care, citing that some women strive to be as perfect as the social media influencers they envy online.
The American culture, she adds, encourages women to do it all and social media can fuel that fire. They believe that to be the perfect woman they need to have a career, be a hands-on mom, a doting wife, exercise and look fantastic, while also keeping up with friendships and other social obligations. It’s an unrealistic pressure, and it’s enough to overwhelm anyone.
“We all know that some things we see on Instagram are fake, so why try to achieve that?” she says. “People are making themselves miserable to impress people who don’t matter — when, in reality, you have to make yourself happy.”
Christina Nicholson
Nurture Yourself
Teaching was what once made Seban happy. But, today, she draws her happiness from helping others learn how to help themselves. And she’s doing this through her own self-care retreats.
With help from her close friend, Boca Raton resident Amanda Anik, she began hosting self-care retreats last year in Fort Lauderdale and is planning another one for the late spring. While it’s open to anyone, most of the participants have been women on cancer journeys of their own. They flew from all over the country to learn about Seban’s journey and how they, too, can better care for themselves.
“I’m sharing my learned experiences in hopes that it will inspire others to pursue their own healing journey,” Seban says.
They also started an e-commerce business called the Thrive Gang where they create unique products loved ones can gift to women who have been diagnosed with cancer such as trendy tote bags to take to chemo appointments, shirts sporting positive affirmations and bar necklaces that display words like “warrior” and “survivor.”
Those who attend learn about wellness, meditation and yoga. They’re encouraged to do simple things like walk and sit in the sun.
Whatever it takes, if even for a few minutes, to make you feel close to whole again.
Because, as Seban has said, if you don’t take care of yourself, how will you take care of others?
“I’ve always lived by the quote that you can’t serve from an empty cup,” Seban says. “You need to nurture yourself before you can nurture anyone else and that is something we forget.”
Starting a self-care journey is a lot easier than one might expect.
Experts say it’s important for people to first understand that self-care should not be viewed as a luxury, that it is a priority that should be practiced often.
If you’re wondering what areas of your life need self-care, below are some questions to ask yourself. (Questions provided by verywellmind.com)
• Are you getting enough sleep?
• Is your diet fueling your body?
• Do you incorporate activities in your life that help you recharge?
• Are you exercising?
• Are you doing proactive things to stay mentally healthy?
According to the National Institute of Mental Health, having a self-care routine helps with one’s stress level, reduces the risk of illness and provides the body energy. Even small daily acts of self-care, it states, can have a big impact.
Below are some self-care tips:
• Exercise at least 30 minutes a day
• Eat healthy meals and stay hydrated
• Make sleep a priority
• Set goals and priorities
• Practice gratitude by writing daily things you are thankful for
• Focus on a relaxing activity, such as meditation, journaling or breathing exercises
• Stay connected with friends and family
Resources:
tinybuddha.com
stephanieseban.com
christinaallday.com
thinksimplenow.com
“You Can Heal Your Life” by Louise L. Hay
“Sit Down to Rise Up” by Shelly Tygielski
“Think Like a Monk” by Jay Shetty
“The High 5 Habit” by Mel Robbins