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The Silent Grief Of Would-Be Grandparents

A Growing Number Of Parents Are Quietly Mourning A Life Milestone They May Never Reach

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"When grandparents enter the door, discipline flies out the window,” the American poet Ogden Nash once said. While a satirical proclamation, the sentiment behind it is real.

Culturally, grandparents have been known as spoilers, cuddlers and treat-givers. The standard progression of life stages went from child to parent, parent to grandparent and even, with luck, to great-grandparent, with grandchildren being the much-anticipated highlight of reaching one’s golden years. Today, that progression is no longer a given, as an increasing number of adults in their childbearing years are opting out of having children. 

In the United States, a 2024 Pew Research Center report found that the fertility rate was at a historic low, while the percentage of those younger than 50 who expressed no interest in parenting has been steadily increasing since 2018. A separate 2023 Pew Research Center study showed that only 26% of American adults younger than 50 considered parenthood essential or the only way to feel fulfilled.  

Among the top reasons they’re eschewing it, according to the Pew Research Center: never having found the right partner, having a partner who doesn’t want children, financial pressure, concerns about bringing children into a tumultuous world and the future of the environment. 

It’s also become a more socially accepted lifestyle choice, says Beverly J. Pedroche, a licensed clinical psychologist in Boca Raton. “Not everyone hears the biological clock ticking anymore,” she explains. “For some, the urge to parent just doesn’t occur. It could be a desire for freedom, a desire to focus more on a career or a preference for fewer responsibilities.”

Holly Katz, a clinical and training director at the Faulk Center for Counseling in Boca Raton, which offers a senior support program, notes that a broader understanding and acceptance of the importance of mental health over the past decade have played a role as well. “There are people who, in recognizing their mental health issues, realize that self-care comes first and that perhaps parenthood isn’t something they’re prepared for or would be good for them. That can factor into it.”

“From my experience, it’s not a decision people make lightly,” says Pedroche. “It reflects evolving values, changing societal norms and an empowered approach to life planning.” 

In recent years, that empowerment has included the increased popularity of the term “child-free” rather than “childless” in the cultural lexicon. For adult couples, there’s also the lifestyle known as  DINK, an acronym that stands for dual income, no kids and, cheekily, DINKWADs, which stands for double income, no kids, with a dog. 

“It really speaks to the difference of generations,” says Katz. “Older adults grew up with the expectation that becoming grandparents is a natural milestone, whereas younger generations like millennials value having greater freedom when it comes to their futures. They’re realizing they have autonomy to dictate what their lives will look like.” 

So where, then, does that leave their parents, a generation aging without the certainty of grandchildren?  

Often, say experts, the emotional complexity can lead to confusion, self-doubt and grief.

“It’s considered disenfranchised grief, which is a type of mourning that often isn’t widely acknowledged or validated by society,” says Pedroche. “But not having grandchildren is a deeply personal and invisible form of loss. It’s a loss of the future they imagined. When that future doesn’t materialize, it can feel like a stolen rite of passage.” Some of her patients in this position have described feeling massive disappointment and heartbreak. “If feelings of sadness, loneliness or disconnection aren’t addressed, they can develop into depression or other emotional problems.”

It can also lead to social insecurity. “Everyone wants to feel valued in their community. If you’re the only one in your peer group who doesn’t have grandchildren, it can make you feel less included, unworthy or ashamed,” explains Katz.

Even adults confident in their decision not to have children recognize the immense impact it can have on their parents. In a New York Times report titled “The Unspoken Grief of Never Becoming a Grandparent,” Emily Cox, a 35-year-old woman who says she’s unlikely to have kids, expressed a sense of guilt about how that choice affects her own mother. 

“Part of my grief process has also been like, ‘Oh, is this something that I’m not able to give to my parents?’” she told The New York Times. “And, ‘What responsibility do I have for that?’” 

With today’s adult children and their parents raised according to different social norms, an inability to relate to each other can contribute to a relationship divide. If badgered about their decision, the adult child may feel that their life choices or boundaries aren’t being respected. Their parents, meanwhile, may be struggling with confusion and disbelief, as having children was the only model they were raised with during their adult years. They may have had their own economic worries or other concerns at the time, but parenthood wasn’t something to be considered or questioned. It was just done. 

“There’s a lot of capacity for misunderstanding,” says Katz. In a worst-case scenario, it can cause a fracture in the relationship or estrangement. In some cases, the pressure can become so intense that the adult child may limit contact or even sever the relationship completely to protect their emotional well-being.

To prevent a rift from escalating to that level, Pedroche recommends individual therapy for both sides and, if needed, joint family therapy. “For the disenfranchised grievers, treatment usually involves what grandparenthood symbolizes for them, then processing that loss, developing healthy communication skills and learning to respect the boundaries of their adult children.”

Individual therapy for the adult child, she says, might include addressing feelings of guilt, focusing on setting boundaries and learning to empathize with the loss their parents are experiencing. Family therapy offers both parties a safe space to share their feelings, problem-solve and find common ground. Overall, the priority should be maintaining a strong connection and working to understand each other. It’s also important for would-be grandparents to find an identity and sense of fulfillment for themselves that doesn’t include grandkids.

“I think that’s the part I’m really struggling with,” Cox’s mother told The New York Times, “Like, ‘OK, I won’t be able to do that with grandchildren. So what can I do to fill that need?’”

Finding satisfaction in other relationships, like nephews, nieces, students or mentees is one way, suggests Pedroche. 

“There are so many ways to enjoy life without having grandchildren,” says Katz. “You can build a deeper relationship with your own kids, you can teach, you can write memoirs. There are endless ways to leave a legacy without it just being about grandchildren.”

She stresses that professional help is readily available: “Mental health professionals can help you through it. Grief is a natural reaction, but it’s not one you need to suffer alone.” 

Living Fully, Without Kids 

Celebs Who Chose A Child-Free Life

Oprah Winfrey, 71, has said she knew early on that her life would be complete without having kids. “When people were pressuring me to get married and have children, I knew I was not going to be a person that ever regretted not having them,” she told Good Housekeeping U.K. in 2017. “Because I feel like I am a mother to the world’s children. Love knows no boundaries. It doesn’t matter if a child came from your womb or if you found that person at age 2, 10 or 20. If the love is real, the caring is pure and it comes from a good space, it works.” 

Tracee Ellis Ross, the 52-year-old daughter of Diana Ross, shares a view similar to Winfrey’s and speaks with empowerment about her decision. “The childless women have been mothering the world and elevating culture as aunties, godmothers, teachers, mentors, sisters, friends — and the list goes on. You do not need to push out a baby to push humanity forward.”

Dolly Parton, 79, and her late husband, Carl Dean, were married for almost 60 years but never had children, partly due to the demands of her career. “When you’re a young couple, you think you’re going to have kids, but it just wasn’t one of those burning things for me. I had my career and my music, and I was traveling.” Thirty years ago, she founded the Imagination Library, a global organization that has distributed over 220 million books to children worldwide. She adds: “I always say God didn’t let me have children so that all kids could be mine.”

Seth RogEn, 43, and wife Lauren Miller, 44, have been married since 2011. They share that staying child-free was a mutual decision made early on. “Honestly, the older we get, the more happy and reaffirmed we are with our choice to not have kids,” Rogen told the “Diary of a CEO” podcast. “Now, more than anything, the conversation is like, ‘Honestly, thank God we don’t have children.’ We get to do whatever we want.”

John Cena, 48, and his wife Shay Shariatzadeh, 36, got married in 2020 and were open about not wanting children in a conversation early in their relationship. “We both got to lean into these uncomfortable moments and addressed this stuff ... Starting with, ‘Hey where do you see family life, and what is the definition of our family? Is this a bucket you need to fill?’ Those conversations have helped me, at least personally, and her forge together as a team.”