The term “gaslighting” is widely used, but many people may not fully understand its meaning.
Gaslighting is a long-term pattern of mental and emotional abuse and manipulation that makes you question your perception of reality. It can happen in romantic relationships, the workplace, medical settings or with family and friends. You second-guess yourself, wondering if you’re being overly sensitive. Your self‑esteem and self-worth are impacted. No single experience exemplifies gaslighting — it’s a combination of manipulative experiences that occur over time.
People gaslight to avoid accountability, deflect blame and maintain a sense of control and superiority. However, it isn’t always intentional.
“People who gaslight may not always know they’re doing it, although they may be aware that their behavior negatively affects the person they’re doing it to,” says Julie Shaikh, Ph.D., LCSW, an individual and couples therapist practicing in Boca Raton.
They likely learned this behavior to cope with feeling out of control when they were young.
“However, only they are responsible for understanding how their behavior keeps them out of a healthy relationship,” she says. “Only they can change their gaslighting behavior. You can’t.”
If you’re being gaslighted, trust yourself — you’re not to blame for what’s happening. The gaslighter is choosing to behave this way and their actions are not caused by anything you did. Seeking individual or couples therapy can be helpful. If the gaslighter is unaware of their behavior, therapy can help them understand how thy’re making you feel.
However, reasoning with someone who is intentionally gaslighting you can be difficult. Shaikh says, “If you’re in a relationship with a person who gaslights and doesn’t change their behavior, strongly consider ending the relationship to avoid ongoing suffering.”
If you’re being gaslighted, the gaslighter may:
• Withhold information or affection.
• Humiliate you.
• Shift blame to you or deny fault.
• Trivialize your feelings.
• Fail to work toward a solution.
• Isolate you so you’re dependent on them.
When you’re being gaslighted, you:
• Stay silent out of fear of speaking up.
• Question your judgment, feelings, decisions, reality and perceptions.
• Walk on eggshells around the gaslighter.
• Convince yourself that you’re too sensitive or not being treated that badly. You see yourself from the gaslighter’s perspective.
• Feel powerless, trapped, alone and isolated.
• Apologize constantly.
• Believe you can’t do anything correctly.
• Lack self-confidence.