We all know someone who seems to find the downside in everything: The line is too long, the boss is impossible, the neighbors are irritating and the world is going downhill. While chronic negativity can be exhausting to be around, it may stem from grief, financial difficulties, relationship problems, mental health conditions or physical pain.
Still, spending too much time around someone who constantly complains can take a toll. “When we take responsibility for others’ unhappiness, it doesn’t allow us to be happy,” says Eric Bricker, a licensed mental health counselor in Boca Raton. “It can be frustrating and emotionally draining. It takes you off your mission and drags you down.”
Here are some ways to protect your own well-being when dealing with a pessimist.
Set Limits
If a friend tends to complain on the phone, shorten the call. If lunch routinely becomes a vent session, meet in a group or choose an activity, such as going to the movies, that limits conversations. You don’t have to cut someone out of your life completely; instead, reduce how often you see them or change the way you spend time together.
Step Away When Needed
When every solution you offer is immediately shot down, it may be time to end the conversation. “No matter how hard you try to help them, they’ll always find a reason why your solution won’t work,” Bricker says. You aren’t responsible for solving someone else’s problems. “They don’t really want your help,” he explains. “They just want to complain.” When the conversation isn’t going anywhere, Bricker suggests closing with, “I’m sure you’ll be OK,” “I’m sure you’ll figure it out” or “I believe in you.”
Make Room To Listen
Everyone has difficult moments, and being supportive is part of any meaningful relationship. “People we value are there for us when things aren’t going well,” Bricker says. “It’s when what comes out of their mouth is pathological and anticipated that it’s a problem.”
Remember It’s Not About You
Don’t take someone else’s negativity personally or assume it’s directed at you. You likely can’t change their attitude, nor are you expected to have all the answers. According to Bricker, “It’s about them being unhappy and not wanting to take responsibility for their own unhappiness.”
Suggest Outside Support
For someone you’re close to, consider raising the possibility of professional help. Approach the conversation with compassion rather than judgment. “Explain that you do care about their struggles,” Bricker advises, “but nothing you’re saying is helpful. Maybe a professional can help.”