Mind Your Manners

There's plenty to be upset about in today’s world. Vaccine mandates, social media rants, record high gas prices — the list of why people are easily angered nowadays feels endless. Those who hold onto their irritation like a security blanket typically take it out on the people around them, which, with most people sporting a Smartphone, translates to many of those outbursts being caught on camera and going viral.

A quick Google search illustrates the seemingly endless array of acts of rudeness: airline passengers screaming at flight attendants, customers punching fast food workers, neighbors spewing obscenities at one another and road rage incidents ending in bloodied noses and police arrests.

We, as a society, are ruder than ever.

Christine Porath, a tenured professor at Georgetown University’s McDonough School of Business, says that the recent rise in rudeness stems from stress. Porath has spent more than 20 years studying rudeness and ways to combat it. She is the author of “Mastering Civility: A Manifesto for the Workplace” and co-author of “The Cost of Bad Behavior.” Her most recent book, “Mastering Community: The Surprising Ways Coming Together Moves Us from Surviving to Thriving,” was released earlier this year.

Porath believes that how we are treated matters. She’s written countless articles regarding rudeness, has appeared on national news networks and has also spoken on the topic for audiences in prestigious schools like Harvard University and the University of Southern California. In 2018, Porath even gave a TED Talk about respect in the workplace.

“People are tired, burnt out and facing uncertainty,” Porath says, “that usually leads to us feeling worse about things.”

Spreading Like Wildfire

Porath speaks to people across the country about the rise in rudeness and how to combat it.

She has had her own personal experiences with toxic people, including at her first job out of college. In an interview with National Public Radio, she recalls being talked down to by coworkers and being treated with disrespect. They would say things like “If I wanted your opinion, I’d ask” or “Are you an idiot?” The toxicity didn’t stop so Porath left because of it.

Even before college, she learned how much incivility can impact a person’s health. Her own father, whom she describes as a strong, athletic guy, had a health scare years ago and was in the hospital with heart issues. She believes they were brought on by work-related stress because her father had a rude boss.

Her experiences with toxic workplaces in both her own life and in her father’s life led her to return to graduate school to study the effects of bad behavior.

Porath now finds herself in high demand. The pandemic in 2020 heightened stress levels, something that is still taking a toll on people to this day. She adds that hospitals and other medical organizations have been reaching out to her more lately because of the stress their employees have encountered the last two years. Much of it has been due to the negative way they’ve been treated by patients and the patients’ families.

“It’s tragic what the healthcare professionals have gone through during the pandemic,” Porath says. “The turnover is unbelievable. It’s really heartbreaking.”

Unfortunately, research has found that rudeness can spread like wildfire and is as contagious as the common cold. According to a study conducted by Dr. Trevor Foulk, assistant professor of Management & Organization at Robert H. Smith School of Business at the University of Maryland, someone who is treated with disrespect is either more likely to behave rudely towards others or is more sensitive to others’ comments. The study found that our mindset is incredibly affected by exposure to rude behavior.

“When rudeness is on our minds, it tends to color our interpretation of others’ behaviors and not give them the benefit of the doubt,” Foulk wrote in a piece published by Psychology Today. “We tend to see the world through ‘rude-colored glasses,’ interpreting even benign interactions with others as potentially harmful or threatening.”

Rudeness happens so often that even businesses are having to act as parents, scolding those who misbehave and reminding customers to be kind. Most of us have seen the signs posted on the front doors of shops and restaurants this year, reminding everyone that businesses are short-staffed, asking customers to treat their employees with consideration.

A coffee shop in West Bend, Wis. called Skinny Vic’s Diner and Coffee Shop garnered attention in March of this year after media learned that it closed its doors for a day because the employees needed a break from customers. The owner left a note on the door explaining why: “My staff chooses to be here to serve you! Unfortunately, due to mistreatment towards them, we are closed for the rest of the day. Be kind and respectful!”

Restaurants in Massachusetts and Michigan have followed suit, and in July of 2021, a Brunswick, Maine restaurant owner went to her business Facebook page to ask customers to stop complaining.

“It’s a post about being nice. That should be common sense,” Cheri Siatras, who owns Joshua’s Restaurant & Tavern, said in an interview with WCSH, a local news television station.

Part of the post read, “We aren’t going to comp food for taking too long when you were told there was a wait. We have no control over raspberry vinaigrette being out of stock. But most importantly, we aren’t going to put up with ANYONE being ANYTHING LESS THAN CIVIL when speaking to our staff.”

That post was shared more than 2,000 times.

Hospitality businesses in Florida were having such a difficult time with rude customers that the Florida Restaurant & Lodging Association, also known as the FR&L, created a Please Be Kind Toolkit last summer. Susie McKinley, director of research and marketing support for the FR&L, said the organization felt it was needed because its leaders knew the employees were struggling.

“This industry comes together for the public for all of the challenges that life throws at them,” McKinley says. “Showing up and being patient despite their own anxieties and challenges at home was truly kind.”

They just want the same kindness in return.

“Restaurants were short-staffed and faced supply chain issues and folks were nervous about being out and they wanted to limit exposure to potential illness. It seemed like the perfect storm of lengthy waits for seating and then service,” McKinley says. “Guests were frustrated, and the employees were feeling the brunt of the situation. The toolkit seemed like a gentle reminder to please ‘mind your manners.’”

McKinley added that the FR&L believes this stressful time will be short-lived and that the hospitality industry will eventually move past the issues they’re facing today.

Apparently restaurant customers aren’t the only ones who need a lesson in kindness. Adults in Florida may have to start working on some kindness challenges of their own.

A nonprofit group called kindness.org teamed up with Verizon to conduct a study, polling residents in every state to find out which states are the kindest. Researchers spoke to thousands of people across the country and asked them which acts of kindness they would be willing to do, such as loaning money to a friend in need, helping a stranger push a car out of the snow and becoming an organ donor for a family member.

The results landed Florida near the end of the list at 47, and Arizona, Kansas and Maryland took the last three spots. And if you’re wondering about the kindest state in America, that honor went to the Bluegrass State, Kentucky.

Moving Forward

Most of us already know that communities help bring people together, and Porath knows this, too. But what she said surprised her during her research was how important community was when it came to happiness.

She found that people who are less isolated and who choose to be around others in their community are more likely to feel like they are part of something special. And when people have a positive attitude, they’re less likely to be rude.

“People are feeling so bad right now, and community is one way to pull themselves out of it,” she says. “I do believe it is an answer for us.”

Being part of a community can include volunteering, which not only provides a person a purpose, but it can also boost self-confidence, Porath adds. Something as simple as lending a hand at a food bank or sorting through donation piles at a thrift shop can actually be good for the soul.

The Journal of Happiness Studies — a peer-reviewed scientific journal devoted to the subject of well-being — published a report in 2020 that revealed volunteering vastly improves mental health. At the time of the report, more than one-third of Americans were said to be depressed or anxious, according to a survey spearheaded by the U.S. Census Bureau.

Journaling, eating nutritious meals and getting enough sleep are high on the list of ways to make your days brighter. So is practicing mindfulness, whether it’s through yoga or meditation.

Or you could practice a more intense type of exercise, whether that’s running or cycling. During Porath’s research for her latest book, “Mastering Community,” she found that muscles pump what she calls “hope molecules” into our system when we exercise, boosting our moods and taking our minds to a healthier place.

And a better mindset can make all the difference.

“Either you lift people up or you hold people down by making them feel small,” Porath says in her Ted Talk. “Who you choose to be means everything.”