Road To Recovery

Elizabeth Vargas was only 6 years old when she learned to hide her emotions – and barely out of college when she learned to never ask for help.

For someone battling anxiety on the frontlines of broadcast journalism, this inability to show vulnerability was a deadly shortcoming.

In fact, it almost killed the Emmy Award-winning journalist as she numbed her feelings with alcohol, developing an addiction that took over her life and destroyed her marriage.

Now sober since 2014, Vargas recently spoke about her struggles with anxiety and addiction as the keynote speaker for the Ruth & Norman Rales Jewish Family Services annual Reflections of Hope Luncheon at Boca West Country Club. 

For Vargas, 57, speaking publicly about things that many of us keep secret is the ultimate act of public service.

“As a nation, we have millions of people who suffer alone, untreated and in silence because they’re too embarrassed or ashamed,” she says in a phone interview from New York, which she’s called home for 30 years. “Lately, we’ve been seeing a lot of famous people speaking out about their battles with anxiety, depression and addiction. This is so important because talking openly makes other people more likely to reach out and get help.”

It’s been more than three years since her painfully honest book, “Between Breaths: A Memoir of Panic and Addiction,” was published, but Vargas still hears from people coming to terms with their anxiety on a daily basis, she says.

Before being publicly outed for alcoholism while she was still in rehab, Vargas seemed to have it all. Her impressive resume includes titles such as co-host of “Good Morning America” and “20/20,” co-anchor of “World News Tonight” and “Primetime Monday,” and correspondent and anchor for “Dateline.”

As she covered breaking news stories and interviewed major world leaders, Vargas gave viewers a frontline view of key historic events, ranging from the 2005 Iraqi elections and the deaths of President Ronald Reagan and John F. Kennedy Jr. to the devastation of Hurricane Katrina. For her work anchoring live coverage of the Elián González case, she won an Emmy in 2000.

Her personal life appeared equally impressive, including marriage to Grammy Award-winning singer Marc Cohn – whose most well-known songs include “Walking in Memphis” and “Ghost Train” – and with whom she has two sons.

But, underneath, Vargas’ world was crumbling as she used alcohol to self-medicate anxiety so severe that she experienced panic attacks while anchoring live news broadcasts.

“I was insecure and terrified someone would wake up and say, ‘Hey, what are you doing here? You don’t belong here!’ and then unceremoniously show me the exit,” she writes in “Between Breaths.” “That fear was there whether I was in the newsroom or at a dinner party, board meeting or movie premiere. The world would see me for the fraud that some part of me had always believed I was. Deep down, I wasn’t a confident in-control network news anchor and the happily married mother of two wonderful children enjoying life in one of the most exciting cities in the world. Inside, I was still a panicked 5-year-old living in abject terror.”

As a child, Vargas struggled with panic attacks almost daily. They began while dodging flying cockroaches and venomous vipers in Okinawa, Japan, where her family was stationed while her father fought in the Vietnam War and her mother struggled to raise three small children mostly on her own. 

Getting scolded by a neighbor for not hiding her anxiety was a pivotal moment, she writes, which taught her a lesson that was ultimately destructive.

“Something in the way that neighbor looked at me made me feel ashamed of my galloping fear, my inability to hide or control it,” she writes. “No matter how huge the anxiety, no matter how powerful the panic, I must never, ever show it. No one can ever know. It was something weak and shameful, and it had to be hidden at all costs.”

Over the course of her childhood, Vargas lived in 14 different homes on nine Army bases and attended eight schools – almost all overseas – while struggling with bullying and fitting in. After graduating from an American high school in Germany, she headed for journalism school at the University of Missouri, later spending time as a reporter at TV stations in Reno, Phoenix and Chicago. From there, she joined NBC as a correspondent for “Now With Tom Brokaw and Katie Couric.”

The newsroom only reinforced her childhood lessons of not showing weakness.

“When your boss’s office is stacked from floor to ceiling with resume tapes of all the people who want your job, you learn pretty quickly not to complain,” she says. “What effect does that have when every single day you know there’s a lineup of 200 people waiting to take your job the minute they think you can’t do it? You don’t dare say you’re exhausted or feeling anxious or stressed out. You put on your big girl pants and go to work.”

The brutally competitive industry took its toll on Vargas, whose nightly habit of a glass of wine spiralled into sometimes-terrifying drinking binges. One night, a stranger rescued her after she passed out in a public park with a nearly fatal blood alcohol level – and no memory of how she got there. 

In 2012, she sought treatment for the first time, followed by multiple relapses and recovery attempts over the next two years. While she was in rehab, her husband began divorce proceedings without telling her. But, eventually, treatment worked, and she committed to being sober.

Today, Vargas co-parents her sons with Cohn while hosting “A+E Investigates.” She’s also excited about her new role as the solo anchor of a new weekly newsmagazine show, “News Café,” which will launch on A&E this month.

Despite her progress, the struggle to stay sober is a daily battle, she says:

“You don’t get magically cured from alcoholism and anxiety. These are lonely and isolating diseases, so the more you can take care of yourself and be with other people, the better you will feel. I meditate and work out a lot. I go to meetings with other people in recovery. And I’m learning how to be good to myself in this go-go-go culture.”

Many working women still feel guilty for setting healthy boundaries or taking care of themselves, she says.

“I would keep it a secret when I went for a manicure or a facial because I felt I should have been helping my sons with homework or working harder instead. Putting that oxygen mask on myself first has made me a better mom, a better journalist, more patient and empathetic.”

Her goal in the next few years is to continue spreading the message about mental illness and that there’s no shame in reaching out for help.

“There are a lot of women out there from whom society demands a lot. The more we can talk openly and share our journeys, the more we can help others along the way.” O

Photos by ABC/Richard Cartwright and ABC/Lou Rocco