Through their mid-20s, men are presented with organic ways to make and maintain friends: education, sports, extracurriculars, hobbies, weekend get-togethers and more. Once they’re a few years out of school and immersed in the real world, however, their careers and perhaps the newly prioritized search for a long-term romantic partner make it increasingly harder to keep up with close friends.
This is not every man’s experience, of course, but it’s common enough to have recently been examined by outlets including The New York Times — who dubbed the phenomenon a male “friendship recession” — and CNN, who reported on a survey that found less than half of men are satisfied with their friendships and the degree of emotional support they receive from friends. Women, on the other hand, reported markedly more satisfaction and contentment from theirs.
As they grow older, men and women generally share the same pressure and commitments of work and family. What, then, accounts for the discrepancy?
Some of it may boil down to biology and sociology, says Michael Ceely, LMFT, whose practice, Men’s Counseling Florida, is based in Miami and offers in-person and remote therapy. “Women tend to feel safer being open about intimate topics; that’s just a social phenomenon,” Ceely explains. “Men are generally more independent-minded and not as comfortable sharing deeper emotions, being vulnerable and expressing insecurities.”
The social impact of the pandemic added to that. According to a survey cited by Psychology Today, more men — especially those younger and less educated — reported negative effects of the pandemic on their friendships and feelings of loneliness than women, something the shift to remote work may have contributed to as well. “Working from home created a completely new dynamic for many people,” Ceely explains. “What I’ve seen from COVID-19 is a little bit of PTSD. You wouldn’t think you’d get PTSD from your family, but I’d call it overexposure. I think there are some men still healing from that.” Now, several years out of lockdown, reconnecting or making new friends would seem more important than ever.
When it comes to existing male friendships, Phil Treiber, LMHC, MCAP, CCATP, NCC and founder of the mental health practice Dude, Breathe Counseling in Boca Raton, says that men will unwittingly let them expire because they lose sight of their value. “As their friends move to different cities or get into relationships, men start to neglect their friendships because they often figure if they have a partner and a family and socialize through them, that’s enough. Once I start working with them, we talk about how vital having their own support system is. It’s actually really important to their well-being. We are pack people, and we are meant to be in groups. When I talk to guys who have partners, families and careers, one of the major stress components is that they don’t have enough of an identity to themselves. I ask, ‘What do you do to fill your cup up? What are you doing for yourself?’ They’ll say nothing and I’m like, ‘Okay, well that’s not good. That’s why you’re coming to me pulling your hair out, saying I’m stressed.’
“So, it’s vital for stress release,” Treiber continues. “If you’re struggling, friendship will offer a level of connection. It may not be solution-based, but it’s understanding and common ground.”
Research backs up its importance. A 2021 study by the National Library of Medicine found that strong male friendships are linked to increased confidence and healthier lifestyle habits.
Reconnecting with old friends shouldn’t be that hard, says Ceely. “Men sometimes feel like they need a reason or an excuse to contact an old friend. No, you don’t. You just reach out and send a few texts or a link to something funny or related to the friendship. Ditch the excuse and just make quick contact, then establish a frequency of contact, at minimum once a month.”
With existing friendships, a foundation is already in place. Making new friends requires even more vulnerability, which might seem daunting at first. “Men don’t want to appear insecure,” says Treiber. “It’s a violation of the masculine ideologies and roles we’ve been conditioned for our entire lives, which is that we need to be non-emotional and strong.”
Men generally socialize around activities, Treiber explains. Making a new friend might look like a casual invitation to golf or meeting up to watch a game. As noted by The Wall Street Journal, men bond by doing things, not discussing them. Identify someone you feel comfortable reaching out to, then find an activity — a game at a local bar, fishing, going to the gym or hitting a comedy club — he suggests. “It’s really about integrating yourself and taking the risk to put yourself out there.”
For men in relationships, friendships that exist only within a couple’s social circle aren’t generally enough. “Both need their own friends. It provides balance, solidifies each member of the couple’s identity outside the relationship and quite frankly, gives them both a safe place to vent.”
Fulfilled individuals are likely to make stronger couples, which is why partners should encourage each other to spend time with friends outside the relationship. The image of a wife or girlfriend rolling her eyes about “guys’ night” may be a humorous trope, but in truth, supporting each other in spending time with their peers ultimately benefits the relationship as a whole. “It allows them to decompress, then come back and engage in family life because they have an outside avenue to express themselves,” Ceely explains.
And while it’s great to have buddies to hang out with, men are capable of offering deeper emotional support than they’re often given credit for.
“When a guy is having problems — whether with work, relationships or health issues — and is willing to put himself out there, in my experience, others can relate. If he’s struggling and willing to share his humanity, other men will rise to the occasion.”
The Rise Of Male-Oriented Therapy
Ceely and Treiber both run South Florida practices specializing in men’s psychology, a niche they found missing in the mental healthcare landscape. “Men can be reluctant to seek therapy, so when they see there’s a practice shaped around their unique needs, it helps reduce some of the stigma. We want them to feel safer initiating and reaching out for help,” says Ceely.
The medical community agrees with this approach. In 2022, The New York Times reported that men are more likely to respond to therapy when it is positioned as an opportunity to strengthen and unburden themselves rather than address illness or weakness. As a result, more public mental health campaigns have developed messaging with language intended specifically to connect with men.
“Men are a major population that gets forgotten about when it comes to therapy,” says Treiber. “We offer individual counseling, couples counseling and groups. We also work with women looking for the male perspective if their goal is to understand their partner better, which hopefully leads to a stronger relationship.”