Every Friday night, Craig Kessler’s three children argue over who gets to be the first to stand on a chair and share what they’re most thankful for that week.
The powerful ritual is among several traditions fathers describe incorporating into their family lives in Kessler’s best-selling book, “The Dad Advice Project: Words of Wisdom From Guys Who Love Being Dads.” Kessler, who was not close to his own father, says he never intended to write a book. It began when he started crowdsourcing advice from friends on how to be a good dad, who then asked if they could read what others had written. Forty-two dads later, the book was born, revealing insights from contributors as diverse as a PGA Tour golfer and a major league baseball pitcher, to a former CIA director and the assistant White House press secretary to President Ronald Reagan.
“The one thing they have in common is they are all friends of mine who care deeply about being a dad. Fatherhood is one of the things most of us are willing to be vulnerable about and constantly work at being better,” says Kessler, the Dallas-based CEO of Buff City Soap.
“Every time I encountered a new challenge, I felt I was seeing it for the first time. I thought, ‘Wouldn’t it be cool if I could learn from other people to maximize the fatherhood experience?’”
Kessler noted certain themes kept reappearing in the submissions, such as the importance of learning from failure and the need for children to feel safe both psychologically and physically. Those insights have proved to be just as important in the workplace as at home, he says.
“At the end of the day, people want a sense of security and to know they are cared for — and trust matters enormously. Recently one of our junior team members was playing in a junior hockey league on a Thursday night and we surprised him by showing up with cowbells and air horns going every time he touched the puck.
“As a kid I remember looking up in the stands to see if my parents were watching me play baseball. When you have love and support in the stands, it means a lot.”
There’s no questioning the powerful influence fathers have on their children, whether they are playing dress up and building the best pillow fortress, serving as chauffeur or doling out important advice. We sought out seven influential dads and asked them to share their thoughts and insights on fatherhood.
Jackiem Joyner- Billboard-charting saxophonist, music producer and best-selling author
“I thought I always wanted a boy, but having a daughter created an unspeakable bond that I never knew existed before. Trinity’s birth was the best thing that ever happened to me — it gave me a sense of responsibility I never had as a musician constantly on tour. It gave a purpose to what I do and forced me to slow down and develop patience.
“She’s seven now and as she gets older, I think a lot about how to give her the tools she needs to make good decisions in her life. When I was young, my parents weren’t there to see some of my smaller accomplishments because they were working all the time. When my daughter is doing something she loves and is passionate about, I want to be there to help celebrate her wins and all her losses too.”
Photo Courtesy of Serhant. Studios
Ryan Serhant, star of Bravo’s ‘Million Dollar Listing New York’
“When I found out we were having a girl I wondered, ‘What do I do? I hope I don’t mess it up.’ Having a daughter is the best thing in the world. She loves me. We do all kinds of things together: ice skating, playtime birthday parties, watching Greek cartoons (my wife is Greek).
“The best fatherhood advice I got was to create a Gmail account for your daughter and send her emails as she’s growing up — photos, videos, random things you will forget to tell her about later. When she’s big enough to understand, give her access to that email so she can go back to those firsts and relive all your emotions at the time.”
Photo Courtesy of Black Dragon Capital
Louis Hernandez Jr., founder, CEO and managing director of Black Dragon Capital
“I love being a father. It’s the best job I could ask for. It changed me from thinking ‘How can I change the world?’ to ‘How can I change the world so it’s ready for the awesome adults my kids will turn out to be?”
“As an entrepreneur turned private equity general partner, the most exciting thing in my life before kids was the joy, passion, loneliness and effort it takes to build something you believe in. What greater gift can there be than preparing your children for their future?
“The best advice I received from my own father is that your goals are limited by your own dreams. I think that is why education was at the forefront of my upbringing. Both my parents were educators and they taught me that the more you know, the more expansive your world and dreams become.”
Matthew Sweetwood, CEO of Greener Process Systems and best-selling author
“My number one advice for dads is to fearlessly parent like a dad (no need to be like a mom). This is particularly true for single dads. I remember my kids (I have five) asking me to take them to Chuck E. Cheese. It was a living hell, and I knew I was never going there again.
“So what was the solution for the next two decades for fun, quality father-child activities? I applied simple logic. What did I like to do that the kids liked or would learn to like? That thought dialed in five season seats for NJ Devils hockey. Twenty-five years of hockey later, we have enjoyed great memories, including three Stanley Cups wins and priceless time together.”
Ari Rastegar, real estate developer, founder and CEO of Rastegar Property Company
“I’m not entirely sure I was a human being until I became a father. The moment our first daughter Victoria was born, I just remember sobbing my eyes out thinking, I barely know how to take care of myself, much less another person. Fathering our three children taught me so much about what really matters in life. As an entrepreneur, building a business, you get caught up in the minutiae of the day to day.
“And when you see your children, you realize some things that you believe to be very important and urgent are actually trivial, compared to the special moments, like my daughter’s recital, going to my son’s soccer game or just rolling around and playing in the playpen with my two-year-old.”
Photo Courtesy of The Vashketov Family
Sergey Vashketov, producer of YouTube channel ‘Vlad & Niki’ with more than 236 million subscribers worldwide
“Having three boys has been a great adventure for me and my wife Victoria. I learned a different type of love, compassion and level of patience that I did not understand before they arrived. As a kid you learn about love, but once you have your own kids, your heart gets even bigger.
“The best advice I got from my dad was to be strong when you need to be and protect your family from the outside negative noise. And of course, find a wife with the same sense of adventure, dreams, values and excitement as you.”
Photo By Megan Suiter
Ben Killoy, podcast host, speaker and military veteran
“Like most dads out there, I had many things wired backwards when I first got started. Here are the five things that most dads, including me in the beginning, got wrong:
1. Kids don’t spell the word love M.O.N.E.Y, they spell it T.I.M.E.
We often get this backward, we think it’s things, but it’s really your time they value. Next time you’ve got 10 minutes, try this: ‘Hey, Dad has 10 minutes, what would you like to do?’
2. Kids don’t need you to have all the answers.
Dads often struggle with ways to connect with their kids. It’s not up to you to have all the ideas at work, so it shouldn’t be at home either. Give your kids the keys to the bus and let them decide where to go.
3. Bedtime isn’t just for moms.
Let bedtime be a time where you sit down and review the good and the bad of the day. Practice being there for the small things and later they will come to you with the big things.
4. It’s not how big the vacations are, it’s about how memorable the adventure is. Kids are wired for adventure. It helps them find out what they love. Adventure can be anything that helps the kids discover how they fit into this big idea called life.
5. Being a dad was never meant to be done in a vacuum.
Finding like-hearted and like-minded dads like yourself will be key to raising strong, confident and healthy adults.